so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
