Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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