You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
