1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
