I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
