I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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