dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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