I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
