So drunk its hurt
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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