i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
