new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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