Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
