I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
