When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
