Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
