The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
