As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
