There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
BRING THE BAGELS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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