I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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