if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
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