I accidentally burped into my bong.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
