everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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