I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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