I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
