I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
