apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
