No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
