Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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