I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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