Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
