the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
