He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
