Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
