Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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