i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
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I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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