Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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