i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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