I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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