You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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