last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
