I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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