Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
