Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
