I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
