I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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