you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
