I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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