It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
organizing the empties. That sober.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
