Your face is a jimmy john
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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