Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
