If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
