Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
