Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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