I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
