Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
