This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
